soooo i got the wrist tattoo back on the day before my 21st birthday…
mom found out about it today…
it was NOT good..
basically my bracelet slipped or something because she started asking me what was on my wrist.. i was trying to dodge the questions, but quickly she figured it out and FLIPPPPPEDDD OUTTTT.. like ape shit flipped out.. jesus christ she was pounding her fist on the table, stomping around, spitting.. just completely wigged out! i knew it was gonna be bad, but i didn’t think she could top the freak out she had when i told her i wanted to move into dalia’s basement.
but she went MILES over that freak out.. no contest
she was screaming about how spoiled i was, and how this was a result of me hanging out til three “everyday”.. started blaming dad for it saying that he “let it happen”.. god, it was soo obnoxious.. she screamed at me, demanding why i didn’t get permission from her, and that its not my body to tattoo.. its God’s.. she kept screaming about could i get matched, blessed or stand in front of true parents like that. that it was somewhere everyone could see. she kept threatening to cut it out of me. she kept saying that she invested so much into me and that she was going to go and cry because i’ve totally strayed away now… and after yelling that it was permanent and was forever, spat out that i have to get it removed tomorrow… god, it was like i had come home and told her that i had killed 50 people, and had buried them in the backyard.
i can’t believe that she honestly thinks that this is the worst thing that i could’ve EVER done to upset her.. and that this is whats going to keep me from getting blessed or keep me from standing before true father..
there are bcs out there who drink, smoke, take drugs, have had multiple gf/bf but just because my tattoo is VISIBLE, i’m getting shit… this is complete bullshit
i called heidi because she said the day mom found out about it, i should call her so that she could talk mom down.. i started crying on the phone, which i wasn’t expecting at all.. but heidi kept reassuring me that everything was going to be ok, and that i wasn’t a bad person and that mom was lucky to have me and she was freaking out so much was because she loved me..
we went to grandma’s house so that she could “calm” down.. M (who was in a hotel room on her way for south africa) called to check up on me because i had emailed her about it. i started getting choked up telling her, and she again told me that mom can only say things to me… she has no control, and is realizing it more and more…
i texted D about the whole thing and asked if things were still weird if i could spend the night. she of course said yes, but when i got home, mom was “asleep”.. according to mj, she was just lying in bed, and wasn’t going to speak to me. good.
i’m going to just go to D’s place after class tomorrow and just lay low.. i don’t want to have to deal with this…
i hate this. i hate how she makes me feel about myself. its unfair and fucked up that she gets so much control over me..
i shouldn’t care all that much about the shit she says to me, but it does..
i shouldn’t believe all the shit she says that “i’m amounting to”, but i can’t help it..
its really frustrating that i, a 21 year old woman, still feel trapped, alone, and unwelcome in the presence of my own mother.. thats just not right…
hopefully, things will blow over soon.. because i hate this feeling.. this feeling of fear.. this feeling that i am and will never be good enough for my mother..